2017 · 2017 | Pregnancy

Week 30 ~ preparation 

Hi everyone! I apologize for not blogging for a while. I’ve been in so much pain and it has been chaos here in life. Today I passed the week 30 milestone! I’ve been pregnant for 30 weeks now. Oh Lord! The time really flies! So fast! After I saw on one app that iam in week 30, my first thought was “when should I start pack the hospital bag and with what!?” So I googled around on the internet and saw many answer that the time was NOW. So today I’ve been fixing the baby clothes, chosed what to wash and pack down. Clothes I got from my sister after her son and clothes we have bought our selves. So this whole day, we have been cleaning, laundry and preparing! Under you will see two pictures of a little bit of the clothes I’ve washed today for the baby bag -a whole lot of bodies, pants, shirts, pyjamas, hats, mittens – everything! I’ve even written down in a notepad of things I’ve packed down. A whole lot of stuff I can asure you but I want to be prepared and ready when the day comes!

I’ll write a post later of stuff I’ve packed down in the hospital bag and stuff that I need to get – not so much but still.

I still can’t believe that I’ve a baby in my belly even though the baby is kicking. It is so weird!  Within 10 weeks – maybe earlier – I’ll be a mom! Many says that they are a mom when the baby is in the belly but really, for me I’ll be a mom when I have the baby in my arms. But soon he is here!! My biggest dream is soon about to become a reality!

Our beautiful laundry room doesn’t have lines to and up clothes in, it has a drying cabinet that I often cuss and spit on but this time, I loved it! When I hung the clothes up to dry I almost started to cry. It is so surreal! Hung up small socks and mittens.. So weird!! It will take some time to get used to this I think! Haha!  But it was so much fun! Am so excited, hopeful and all over the places! Soon my gift from heaven is here! Wow!

I’m flying among the clouds and I never wanna come down! So much joy, so much happiness! Omg 😀

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2017 · 2017 | Photos · 2017 | Pregnancy

Preparing for the baby & celebration 

Wooh, today has been one stressful day. First I haven’t felt baby move or kick today – which gives me stress – and to keep my mind occupied I started with the baby room. It’s already July 31rst today! Tomorrow it’s August 1! Omg. So me and M put the shelf back up (the glass one) and he moved the black shelf from the living room to the baby’s room and I started to organize the clothes in the boxes. Body’s in one, pants in second, jackets and t-shirts in the third and pyjamas in the last. It looks messy right now but it will get better. We just started today so be patient! Haha! The clock on the top self is actually my daddy’s. I love it and I want it to be in the baby’s room ♡ pictures and everything else will be up on the walls later. I can’t wait til everything is done. 

Top pictures is how the rocking chair looked like. Supposed to be white but yellow after someone’s ass, back and neck so I decided when I bought it that I’m gonna fix it up. So we are painting it white and gonna have a quote on the neck part but don’t know which quote yet. I’m still looking.
M also fixed the ROCKING chair. I dont know what it calls but he did work on it so now we only need to paint it a few times and it’s ready til the baby is here! One less thing to stress about. We have so much stuff right now for our baby but the only thing we need is a crib / bed and a changing table but that will come later when it’s getting closer. 

➡️ Celebration / Today we also celebrated my sister’s birthday. Funny part is, she turned 31 on 31rst and in week 31. Haha! Yesterday my sister and her husband celebrated one year as married. Can you believe it!? Time really flies! Wow! Happy birthday A and congratulations on your wedding anniversary! 

2017 · 2017 | Pregnancy · 2017 | Quotes & Thoughts

Thoughts – very personal. 

It’s a jumpy post but I hope you don’t mind.

Being pregnant has been one of my biggest dreams. Being pregnant is a milestone for me. After battling with suicidal thoughts, even tried a few (39) times to end my life. Battling with depressions and bullying all my life. After battling with selfharming and more. I’m here. I’m a little bit over a 100 days til I can officially call myself a mother. Im here. One of my biggest dreams is about to come true. A long time dream, since I was eight years old. All my life I’ve heard that I will never become a mom. I will never have my own kids. 2013 I think was the year, when I found out after years of battling with overweight, i had a diagnose. PCOS. I cried of happiness to finally know what made me this big. And as a young Girl, one question popped up in my head, so I asked the doctors “Will I ever be able to become a mom?” The answers was always no. I’m too fat and this sickness makes it impossible to get pregnant. I fell into depressions again but I was sure that I would prove the doctors wrong! One day! March 2016 my dad died. Eight months after my mom battled between life and death with same stuff my dad passed away from. I tried to keep myself strong. I tried to do everything I could to not let myself fall into depression again. I refused to go back! I’ve been free from harming myself and suicidal since I was 18. I’m turning 27 this summer. I lost 30kg on 3 months after my Dad died and Six months later I met M. I had no idea that within a few months I would be a married woman . But iam. We got married in January 2017. The 12th to be exact. January 22 I got pregnant. Ten days after we got married. I took it as a sign from my father. I thank my dad so much for sending me M from heaven. And im thanking God for this blessing. Now iam in week 23. I felt the baby’s kick for the first time today. I almost started to cry. It made me believe that I really am gonna become a mother. A mother to a beautiful baby boy who will have my father’s name. 

The last year – from March 2016 has gone by so fast. Dad’s death. Mom’s cancer in throat, treatment everyday – 5 days a week from August 1, 2016 to September 15 2016. The treatment went good. The cancer is gone but they discovered a new cancer in mama’s throat. A cancer that is so unique that it is only 250 documented cases in the world. It makes me scared. I don’t wanna lose my mother. I’ve already lost my dad. In between all this, I had a massive headache that was stuck with me 24H 7Days a week. The doctors were suspecting brain tumour so I got an x ray but thankfully I don’t have that. 

Since I got pregnant, my headache has gone off quiet a lot. And im thankful for that. Now I can walk, talk and interact with people without holding my tears. I still have headaches everyday, but they are not massive. Now pain killers work. Before they didn’t. 

When I told my family that iam pregnant, I thought they would be happy. I thought it would bring us as a family closer to each other after going through everything since summer of 2015. But I was wrong. They are giving me so much problems, so much stress, so much arguments and bullshit that it’s a miracle that I’m still getting up in the mornings. They have taken away 95%of my happiness about being pregnant. I’m so happy that iam pregnant. Don’t get me wrong. But hearing stuff such as I should do an abortion, I will give birth to a stillborn. I’m not appropriate as a mom etc. It takes a lot of energy from me. Plus all the pains I’m having. But iam happy. It’s a miracle that iam pregnant and like my man says “It’s up to God and he gave you this gift to cherish” it is so true. 

When I was 8 years old, I planned all my life! I was gonna get married, than have a baby and it was gonna be a boy. Here iam, 26 turning 27 years old and everything is going by planned. I thank my husband so much for making me a mom. For making me a mom. We talk a lot about how we met and how our lives is. I told him about me when I was eight and he thinks it’s crazy how it’s going by planned. And I agree. 8 years old and planned my life. 

So from being suicidal, to harming myself, to going through a lot of shit in my life, I can honestly say that iam in heaven right now. Flying above the clouds with a smile on my face. I’m gonna become a mom. A mother. One of my absolute biggest dreams is about to come true. And I love it. 

2017 · 2017 | Pregnancy

Baby check list / Preparing for arrival

Today I went through some stuff that me and M has bought for our baby who will be here within 120 days! Can you believe it? Ohmygod. So crazy! I’m right now in week 22 – on sunday I’ll be in week 23 which means, I am five months pregnant. Crazy! Anyway, So I went through and repacked all the baby stuff we have so far so we would have almost every baby stuff in one big bag – bigger than the biggest IKEA bag they sell. And to my surprise, without thinking about it, I’ve pretty a lot of stuff but I know we need to buy more stuff before our son is here.

baby check list - what i have so far.png

 

What I haven’t written on this list is other stuff that we have so far > a stroller for both laying and sitting. Some stuffed animals and two blankets that mom has made for us. Thank you momma! I will take a picture of them later. I love them! We also have one bib, two or if it was three bottles, pacifiers and a teeth cooling down ring.

 

My family has always said to me “DON’T BUY STUFF BEFORE YOUR DUE DATE! YOUR CHILD CAN DIE!” Yes it is true. My child can die but it is up to God and his decisions and so far, my baby is alive 🙂 And I don’t believe in this old saying but I do believe in this “Don’t make a bed for an unborn child”. That I believe strongly in. It’s weird I know. But that is me. I do know that we will look for a crib / bed soon and we will build it up but we will not set the bed with pillows, blankets etc yet. Not until we are back home with the baby. I don’t know but just thinking that it is ok to build the bed but not make it calms me down. It’s weird I know but that’s me. I’m a ghost and I’m crazy! 🙂

 

 

 

 

 

NOTE: like I’ve written on the picture “this list if written by misssantorini.wordpress.com and it do not apply to other mothers. it is a reminding list of what I’ve and what i need to buy before the baby is here.” So Please, do not think that this is a check list on what you need etc.

2017 · 2017 | Pregnancy

Ultrasound


after hearing my whole life that I will never be able to have my own kids. And few years ago I found out that I have PCOS I was told that this sickness will make me forget about being a mom. They told me to forget about my biggest dream – to become a mom. It would never happen. I have so many cysts (?) down there. I was heartbroken. My biggest dream was crushed. I cried for days. 

My dad passed away March 2016. It made me lose weight – 50kg. I was so broken. My dad was now an angel. September 2016 I met my now husband. He came into my life when I needed someone as most. He saved me from depressions of what doctors said to me, having my biggest dream smashed onto the ground. He gave me light. He gave me a reason to live. Everything happened so fast with him. Engagement, marriage in January 2017. 10 days later after our wedding, I got pregnant. I had protection in me (IUD or what it calls) and boom still got pregnant! I was in shock. I was crying rivers. Is this really happening? Am I gonna become a mom? I did many tests! I decided to do tests when my period was 11 days late. We found out at the midwife. I have cell changes so I was called back to the midwife. I asked if they could do a test and it showed positive. 
Instead of going back to the midwife in an other room, I went straight to the waiting room. Crying and pointed at my stomach. My man didn’t understand what I meant. I cried even more when I was infront of him. “I’m pregnant” was the only line I could get out of my mouth. He smiled so much. He hugged me and we cried together. We both got called back to the midwife where she asked me questions about the pregnancy..  now I’m 21 weeks today. In 19 weeks, I’m gonna have my absolute biggest dream coming true. I’m an atheist but I thank God everyday for this blessing and this gift. I thank my husband so much “Thank you for making my biggest dream come true. Thank you for making me a mom”. I’m crying right now while writing this. I’ve so much feelings that I’m holding into myself. Every day I’m thankful for this blessing. Every day I’m thanking my father for sending M (my husband) to me. 
Sorry for a long post. 

2017 · 2017 | Pregnancy

The baby announcement !

Posted ~ 2017.06.12

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One week ago, we found out that we are having a baby boy!  It has been super hard to be quiet about it but here we will announce it to you all ♡
We are truly blessed to have this precious little boy in our lives and we can not wait to hold you in our arms! The love for our boy is out of the limit. Going through all negativity in our lives because of this pregnancy is like a tiny dot in the sky. We are filled with happiness, joy, excitement and we are longing after our son. We are longing to hold him in our arms, to see him grow up. To teach him everything we know and can. 
Johnny, will be his name. After my dad who is now an angel watching over us. My dad was a fighter into his very last breathe and I want to honor my dad by naming my son after him.

2017 · 2017 | Pregnancy

Big news!

Hey guys! So I have been gone for a while from the blog. I know I know! Shame on me! But to be honest, I’ve been in so much stress and so much pain that I haven’t had the energy to update my blog. 

The headline says BIG NEWS !  Well here we go; I’m pregnant! YES iam! It’s a miracle that iam pregnant! I’m so happy and so excited to be a mom. It’s one of my biggest dreams! Thanks to my hubby that dream is coming true! All my life I’ve heard that I will never be able to get pregnant. Why? Because of the PCOS I have. I’ll write a post about that sickness later. And in March ~ March 5 I think it was, I was at the midwife because I have cellchanges down there ~ I’m not ashamed of saying that ~ and I told them that my period is late and I asked them if I could do a pregnancy test there NOTE I’ve done many earlier but it all showed negative BUT at the midwife it showed positive. I started to cry. Instead of going back to the midwife I went straight to my man, with tears falling down my cheeks, panic but happy. I pointed at my stomach while walking to the waiting room there he sat and he didn’t understand what I meant. “I’m pregnant” was all I could say and hugged him. The tears fell on both of us. We went back to the midwife and she asked me all kind of questions ~ do you wanna keep it? When was the first day on your last period etc. Even though I had protection inside me ~ again, I’m not ashamed ~ I was pregnant. We found out the date when the baby will be born ~ between October 27 and October 29. We also found out that I got pregnant 10 days after we got married. 10 freaking days! I take this as a sign a sign for us to become a family. Our bond between us is stronger than ever. 

After founding out that we are pregnant ~ well iam, I asked for help with smoking. I don’t wanna smoke. I was in week 5+5 when we found out. I’m in week 19 on Sunday. Still smokes. Yes I know. I have heard it all! Don’t need to comment that smoking is bad! 

The fear of telling my family I don’t remember exactly when I told my family but I know that I was pregnant at least for 10 more weeks before I told my mom and sister. I found out that I was pregnant right after we found out that my sister C had a miscarriage. So I decided not to tell her because I saw how depressed she was and I didn’t want to rub my pregnancy in her face you know. But apparently I did wrong. When I told my sister C that I am pregnant, she said the most nastiest shit ever and it hurts me. I have no contact with her ~ spoken with her twice on the phone and met her once since she said those things. I’m not gonna write what she said but trust me, it really hurts me. 

June Five (5) is the date when we will find out what sex the baby is. I’ve already seen our baby on ultrasound when I had to go to the emergency with massive pains and blessings. They think I’ve lost one baby ~ apparently I was having twins. But I don’t know. All I know is that I have one baby in my tummy. We heard the heartbeat and everything. When I saw on the monitor something moving I said out loud in shock “What the fuck was that!?” And after that I don’t remember what I said but according to my man and one of the godmother’s ive said fuck and shit all the time. I dont remember that. Haha! 

June 5, mom will come with us to see what sex the baby is. I’m hoping for a boy but my mind is telling me that it is a girl. But we will see. I’m happy no matter what the little monster is  🙂