It’s a jumpy post but I hope you don’t mind.
Being pregnant has been one of my biggest dreams. Being pregnant is a milestone for me. After battling with suicidal thoughts, even tried a few (39) times to end my life. Battling with depressions and bullying all my life. After battling with selfharming and more. I’m here. I’m a little bit over a 100 days til I can officially call myself a mother. Im here. One of my biggest dreams is about to come true. A long time dream, since I was eight years old. All my life I’ve heard that I will never become a mom. I will never have my own kids. 2013 I think was the year, when I found out after years of battling with overweight, i had a diagnose. PCOS. I cried of happiness to finally know what made me this big. And as a young Girl, one question popped up in my head, so I asked the doctors “Will I ever be able to become a mom?” The answers was always no. I’m too fat and this sickness makes it impossible to get pregnant. I fell into depressions again but I was sure that I would prove the doctors wrong! One day! March 2016 my dad died. Eight months after my mom battled between life and death with same stuff my dad passed away from. I tried to keep myself strong. I tried to do everything I could to not let myself fall into depression again. I refused to go back! I’ve been free from harming myself and suicidal since I was 18. I’m turning 27 this summer. I lost 30kg on 3 months after my Dad died and Six months later I met M. I had no idea that within a few months I would be a married woman . But iam. We got married in January 2017. The 12th to be exact. January 22 I got pregnant. Ten days after we got married. I took it as a sign from my father. I thank my dad so much for sending me M from heaven. And im thanking God for this blessing. Now iam in week 23. I felt the baby’s kick for the first time today. I almost started to cry. It made me believe that I really am gonna become a mother. A mother to a beautiful baby boy who will have my father’s name.
The last year – from March 2016 has gone by so fast. Dad’s death. Mom’s cancer in throat, treatment everyday – 5 days a week from August 1, 2016 to September 15 2016. The treatment went good. The cancer is gone but they discovered a new cancer in mama’s throat. A cancer that is so unique that it is only 250 documented cases in the world. It makes me scared. I don’t wanna lose my mother. I’ve already lost my dad. In between all this, I had a massive headache that was stuck with me 24H 7Days a week. The doctors were suspecting brain tumour so I got an x ray but thankfully I don’t have that.
Since I got pregnant, my headache has gone off quiet a lot. And im thankful for that. Now I can walk, talk and interact with people without holding my tears. I still have headaches everyday, but they are not massive. Now pain killers work. Before they didn’t.
When I told my family that iam pregnant, I thought they would be happy. I thought it would bring us as a family closer to each other after going through everything since summer of 2015. But I was wrong. They are giving me so much problems, so much stress, so much arguments and bullshit that it’s a miracle that I’m still getting up in the mornings. They have taken away 95%of my happiness about being pregnant. I’m so happy that iam pregnant. Don’t get me wrong. But hearing stuff such as I should do an abortion, I will give birth to a stillborn. I’m not appropriate as a mom etc. It takes a lot of energy from me. Plus all the pains I’m having. But iam happy. It’s a miracle that iam pregnant and like my man says “It’s up to God and he gave you this gift to cherish” it is so true.
When I was 8 years old, I planned all my life! I was gonna get married, than have a baby and it was gonna be a boy. Here iam, 26 turning 27 years old and everything is going by planned. I thank my husband so much for making me a mom. For making me a mom. We talk a lot about how we met and how our lives is. I told him about me when I was eight and he thinks it’s crazy how it’s going by planned. And I agree. 8 years old and planned my life.
So from being suicidal, to harming myself, to going through a lot of shit in my life, I can honestly say that iam in heaven right now. Flying above the clouds with a smile on my face. I’m gonna become a mom. A mother. One of my absolute biggest dreams is about to come true. And I love it.