Many thoughts are going around in my head such as ‘what exact day are we gonna be able to move?’ ‘when can i dye my hair and how am i gonna be able to make it bright red without bleaching my hair?’ ‘how is my dad in heaven, is he good or is he still in pain?’ and so much more. I have so many thoughts and questions in my head and i wish i had any answer on them all but I guess that some questions are meant to be unanswered.
The two things that goes around most in my head is the moving and daddy.
I can’t believe that he has already been an angel for over 365 days. Daddy, my angel, my rock, my hero. They say that time heals wounds and broken hearts, and that is true. In the beginning after daddys death, i didn’t know what I was gonna do, who I was and how I was gonna be able to handle all this and on the same time try be the strongest one in the family to my mom and sisters. I managed to do it. I was the strongest one around them but when I was alone, i was crying so so much. I really missed him. It was so weird to not have my dad alive. I’ve caught myself a few times that I’ve been calling him but he didn’t pick up. I can honestly say, just 13 days ago (march 2nd) I actually tried to call him. I found out a big news and I wanted to tell him so bad but I remembered that he wouldn’t pick up his phone and talk to me. That made me cry so much. I wish I could tell him the news. People who knows about it is telling me that he already knows but that doesn’t make me feel better. I wish I could hear his voice when I told him.
Is it bad for wishing that Heaven could have those one hour once in a while to meet your loved ones? I wish I could meet my dad and hold his hand. I’m crying right now as am writing this. One year without my dad has been the worse time of my life. I wish I could sit down with you dad and just talk about everything. To hold your hand and let go off all the things that’s stressing me out and makes me worried. I wish I could see your smile and smell your perfume. Dad, I miss you so much. I wish you were here instead of up there in heaven with the angels and God. Can you please come home? You’ve been gone too long now. I miss your hugs, I miss your goofy and childish way. Dad, please, come home. It hurts too much to not have you in my life. I’m trying to live my life but everyday I’m waking up and praying to God and wishing that you would come home. I actually pray Dad. No one knows that. Dad, I want you to come home. I want you to be here with us. Dad, I hope you’re good. Do you have any pain? Are you free from it? Are you free from all your problems that you had here on earth? Dad, Please, I wish you could show yourself to me and let me know that you’re good. How is heaven? Dad, are you okey?
Crying and crying, tears are falling all the time. I’m trying to be strong Dad but I know I won’t be able to be that for any longer. My body is about to collapse, my mind is about to explode. Dad, I have so many things I wanna tell you and share with you. People say that you can still talk to your loved ones in heaven but just talking., I’ve tried. I’ve tried to talk to you but I can’t anymore. I cry to much when am trying to talk to you. Looking in your book that we got from the funeral company with photos from your funeral is horrible. I can’t. Since August when I got it on your birthday, I’ve looked throught it maybe two maximum three times.
“I love you, i love you, i love you so” – Millie Small, My boy Lollipop.
I’m playing that song now Daddy. It makes me happy. It brings me so much memories I’ve together with you. I really wish I had a videocamera during my whole childhood and when I frew up and taped everything and all the memories I have with you so I could look back on them when ever I need but I can’t. I hope that the memories never fades away from my mind Dad. I never wanna lose my memories.
I must stop write now Dad, my head is hurting after all the tears I’ve dropped now while writing this. The tears are still falling.
-/ Sorry guys for a depressing post. I haven’t written stuff like this for a while but the reason why i’m writing all this once in a while is because i’ve so much in my mind, i’m holding so many feelings and tears in me. I don’t wanna cry and show people that Iam weak. Thanks for reading and sorry once again.