2017

Welcome! | About me & the blog!

Welcome to my little corner here on the Internet! My name is Emma Santorini and I currently lives in Sweden together with my fiancé Manne. I’m 26 years old ~ turning 27 in August.

My blog is about BEAUTY | PHOTOGRAPHS | LEARNING SPANISH AND ARABIC | HEALTH | DAILY LIFE | LOVE | FAMILY | DIY ~ and soon being a student to become a translator in the languages Spanish and Arabic. My blog is also about positivity and a new start ~ new chapter in my life.


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/ New post of presentation just because the post I had don’t wanna edit -.-

2017

I’m back

Hey guys! So as you might have noticed.. I have been gone from the blog for a super long time. Reason? My pregnancy was bad. I moved. I gave birth but the biggest reason why is because all off the sudden I had over 250 visitors on one day from Sweden which was my cousins and stuff so I decided to make the blog private for a while so they can’t snoop and hopefully they won’t look for my blog again. I’ve missed blogging to be honest so now I’m back. I’ve been blogging on a Swedish blog during this time but to be honest.. it’s been so boring. I rather blog here than on that blog. So I will start blog again 😁 here iam! I wish I had more storage though so I can upload photos on my child etc. 

So stay tuned and be prepared for blog posts ♡ right now I’m focusing on my child so next post will be about him. 

2017 · 2017 | Pregnancy

Week 30 ~ preparation 

Hi everyone! I apologize for not blogging for a while. I’ve been in so much pain and it has been chaos here in life. Today I passed the week 30 milestone! I’ve been pregnant for 30 weeks now. Oh Lord! The time really flies! So fast! After I saw on one app that iam in week 30, my first thought was “when should I start pack the hospital bag and with what!?” So I googled around on the internet and saw many answer that the time was NOW. So today I’ve been fixing the baby clothes, chosed what to wash and pack down. Clothes I got from my sister after her son and clothes we have bought our selves. So this whole day, we have been cleaning, laundry and preparing! Under you will see two pictures of a little bit of the clothes I’ve washed today for the baby bag -a whole lot of bodies, pants, shirts, pyjamas, hats, mittens – everything! I’ve even written down in a notepad of things I’ve packed down. A whole lot of stuff I can asure you but I want to be prepared and ready when the day comes!

I’ll write a post later of stuff I’ve packed down in the hospital bag and stuff that I need to get – not so much but still.

I still can’t believe that I’ve a baby in my belly even though the baby is kicking. It is so weird!  Within 10 weeks – maybe earlier – I’ll be a mom! Many says that they are a mom when the baby is in the belly but really, for me I’ll be a mom when I have the baby in my arms. But soon he is here!! My biggest dream is soon about to become a reality!

Our beautiful laundry room doesn’t have lines to and up clothes in, it has a drying cabinet that I often cuss and spit on but this time, I loved it! When I hung the clothes up to dry I almost started to cry. It is so surreal! Hung up small socks and mittens.. So weird!! It will take some time to get used to this I think! Haha!  But it was so much fun! Am so excited, hopeful and all over the places! Soon my gift from heaven is here! Wow!

I’m flying among the clouds and I never wanna come down! So much joy, so much happiness! Omg 😀

2017

Personal.

Stuff happened, I got scared. Things happened between us all, I wish it never did. What happened is not okey. It never will be okey. I almost lost my gift from heaven. I took distance from people. I took distance from my own husband. I needed space. I needed space to breath. I ended up at the hospital the day after. Not feeling my baby and a bit blood in my underwear. I got scared. That night was so much for me. I’m still not over it. I’m scared of letting people into my life again. I must think of my baby. I’m scared. I’m confused. I’m an empty shell without you. But what happened that night is not okey. I’m had massive pains after those hours and til today I still feel that pain. Not like it was but I’m still in pain.  Yet, everyday I ask myself “where is she? How is she? Is she good?” etc. Everyday I look millions of millions of times on my phone to see if she messaged me but nothing. I had to change everything, my life and everything. Take distance from people including my own family. I took steps back and now I’m here. Sitting and crying. I’m scared. I’m lost. I’m not complete. I’m alone. I feel lonely. I have my husband but it’s not the same. I’m crying because I miss you. But I’m scared. I’m scared of what happened. Will it happen again? Will I lose my child? I don’t know what to do. I want us to be like before but I know that won’t happened. You have your time to sorrow and I need to focus on the child and not lose him in miscarriage or so. I wish we could be the way we were before I got pregnant. Before the sad part happened in our lives. I really wish. To not have you in my life is horrible. To take a distance from people I love is so hard. To take a break from everything called social media is hard. But I need to do it. It’s August 2nd today. Almost two weeks. I miss you and I hope you are good. I’m checking your blog many times a day to see if you have updated but nothing. Don’t hold your life because of what happened. Maybe one day we will be back together but right now, I don’t know. I’m not sure. I miss you, I truly do. I love you and you know that. 

2017 · 2017 | Photos · 2017 | Pregnancy

Preparing for the baby & celebration 

Wooh, today has been one stressful day. First I haven’t felt baby move or kick today – which gives me stress – and to keep my mind occupied I started with the baby room. It’s already July 31rst today! Tomorrow it’s August 1! Omg. So me and M put the shelf back up (the glass one) and he moved the black shelf from the living room to the baby’s room and I started to organize the clothes in the boxes. Body’s in one, pants in second, jackets and t-shirts in the third and pyjamas in the last. It looks messy right now but it will get better. We just started today so be patient! Haha! The clock on the top self is actually my daddy’s. I love it and I want it to be in the baby’s room ♡ pictures and everything else will be up on the walls later. I can’t wait til everything is done. 

Top pictures is how the rocking chair looked like. Supposed to be white but yellow after someone’s ass, back and neck so I decided when I bought it that I’m gonna fix it up. So we are painting it white and gonna have a quote on the neck part but don’t know which quote yet. I’m still looking.
M also fixed the ROCKING chair. I dont know what it calls but he did work on it so now we only need to paint it a few times and it’s ready til the baby is here! One less thing to stress about. We have so much stuff right now for our baby but the only thing we need is a crib / bed and a changing table but that will come later when it’s getting closer. 

➡️ Celebration / Today we also celebrated my sister’s birthday. Funny part is, she turned 31 on 31rst and in week 31. Haha! Yesterday my sister and her husband celebrated one year as married. Can you believe it!? Time really flies! Wow! Happy birthday A and congratulations on your wedding anniversary! 

2017 · 2017 | Photos

Photo album 

Today, I bought a simple photo album to my photos I’ve printed out and want to save. It was quickly done to add them into the album but when I put the picture of my dad in the album, it got a little bit harder.

Not the fanciest photo album but at least my photos are together and not spread around in the apartment. It will be a book I can look in when ever I feel sad and later on I’ll fix a better book. It’s good for now. I also added our ultrasound pictures so they are not out in sunlight or getting risked to get ruined. 

322 days today since we became one. Already. Shit the time flies. Haha! 299 days since you asked me the question. 198 days since I said I do. The time really flies when you have fun. I’ve been pregnant for 188 days. We have known for 55 days that you’re a little Prince 💙 and it’s only 89 days til my due date. Omg! 😱 

2016.09.11 ♡ 2016.10.04 ♡ 2017.01.12 

2017 · 2017 | Dad · 2017 | Miss Santorini

It all goes away.


I’ve decided to take a few days off from everything called social media, network, contact with people etc because it has been too much for me lately. Today has been a bad day, not even a family time event helped me out. The loss off my father is today strong but I’ve to remain calm for my baby.  Today I’ve really felt that I want him back home. I know it’s impossible but I can always wish. So I turned on my phone right now and after this post in turning it off again. I thought I could handle my phone but to be honest, I can’t. I need a detox from my phone. I need to be alone. Focusing on my baby when the time is as hardest. 

Time heals. It really do. The loss of my dad is not so heavy as it was before. But some days I feel I don’t wanna get up from the bed in the mornings. The sorrow and missing him is too much. I’m down to only two digits on my pregnancy and remembering that my dad won’t even meet my son hurts me so bad. It makes me so mad, angry and upset. I really wish he could hold my son. I really wish he could be waiting in the waiting room while I give birth so he could meet his grandson but I know he won’t. So this makes my pregnancy even harder. But like I said, time heals. It really does. Today haven’t been a good day but I can talk about him, see pictures of him etc without my tears falls. 

I’ll blog later. I just need a moment for myself to focus on my baby and to focus on myself. Muwah!

2017

Heaven has got a new angel 

1948.03.13 ~ 2017.07.17

Rest in peace Nisse. You’re always here with us even though your soul is now in heaven.
Last night I was scared when E called me and told me that dad has taken the ambulance to the hospital because he couldn’t breathe etc. Everything came back to me. Memories of mom when she had to Go for the same reason. 

We ended the call, we texted but I kept myself a distance because momma K needed E and E needed momma K. 1.30am the phone rang. I was just about to fall asleep. I saw it was E. I answered and the first I heard “Dad is dead”. That speed I had to get up out of bed, smashing my head by accident in the concrete wall, screaming “WHAT!?” on the same time. I’m not gonna go into so much of a details but my extra dad is in heaven. 

I’ve known him for soon 11 years. 11 years of laughing, talking a lot and jokes on each other. I’m still in shock. But I remain strong. I have too. They need me more than ever now. E needs me and momma needs me. 



Ten years ago you were a stranger. Ten years, I have known you. You were like an extra dad to me. Ten years of joking with each other. Talking a lot. Laughing and everything.


You’ve been through so much. You have been struggling and fought with problems in your life but today your heart couldn’t fight anymore. 


Nisse, you were a fighter just like my dad. You went through the same path as my mom did two years ago. I miss you and I promise you will always keep an eye on mama and your kids. 


I promise, with my heart and my soul I will make sure that they are alright. I will never leave their sides. I promise I will drop everything I have in my hands when ever they need me. 


Ten years ago, we were total stranger but God sent me E and from that moment we met I knew you would be like my extra dad. I’ll forever miss you and I hope you don’t suffer anymore.


You will always be the warrior in our lives. A warrior who fought for his life in til the last breath. A warrior with a heart of gold. A warrior with a mind set on things that not a storm could break. Take your shoes off and walk on the clouds. Look down on mama K and the family. You might be in heaven but you are never far from them and I promise You, once again I will be there for them all, to have a shoulder to cry on. To be there if they need to talk.


I will help them as much as I can. I promise you Nisse. Now rest your soul ♡ we will see you later ♡ 


Picture belongs to mama K ❤


It’s so hard to believe that you’re gone but I promise I will make sure that they are good. I’ll watch over them like a hawk. 

2017 · 2017 | Photos

A moment next to the waves


​2017.07.15 ~ need to get a time off from life

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~

So I asked my man if we could go to the waters. I wanted to swim. I wanted to see and hear the water. I needed a break from life for a moment. A childhood friend of my sister C lost her both babies. Rest in peace angels ♡ and it got me super scared. What if something happens to my baby? So many thoughts went through my head and I couldn’t stop cry. So I asked my man if we could go to the waters. 
A moment next to the waters, clear my head, take deep breathes and just calm down. Exactly what I needed. I took a swim. It was fun. First swim as a pregnant woman. Now the baby is kicking. Lovely feeling. 
I’m more calm. I need my waters sometimes. I don’t know why but I feel like I’m home when I’m next to the waters. The waters is calling me. 
First time on 3 years I swam in a lake. First time for my man to swim in Swedish waters.

2017 · 2017 | Pregnancy · 2017 | Quotes & Thoughts

Thoughts – very personal. 

It’s a jumpy post but I hope you don’t mind.

Being pregnant has been one of my biggest dreams. Being pregnant is a milestone for me. After battling with suicidal thoughts, even tried a few (39) times to end my life. Battling with depressions and bullying all my life. After battling with selfharming and more. I’m here. I’m a little bit over a 100 days til I can officially call myself a mother. Im here. One of my biggest dreams is about to come true. A long time dream, since I was eight years old. All my life I’ve heard that I will never become a mom. I will never have my own kids. 2013 I think was the year, when I found out after years of battling with overweight, i had a diagnose. PCOS. I cried of happiness to finally know what made me this big. And as a young Girl, one question popped up in my head, so I asked the doctors “Will I ever be able to become a mom?” The answers was always no. I’m too fat and this sickness makes it impossible to get pregnant. I fell into depressions again but I was sure that I would prove the doctors wrong! One day! March 2016 my dad died. Eight months after my mom battled between life and death with same stuff my dad passed away from. I tried to keep myself strong. I tried to do everything I could to not let myself fall into depression again. I refused to go back! I’ve been free from harming myself and suicidal since I was 18. I’m turning 27 this summer. I lost 30kg on 3 months after my Dad died and Six months later I met M. I had no idea that within a few months I would be a married woman . But iam. We got married in January 2017. The 12th to be exact. January 22 I got pregnant. Ten days after we got married. I took it as a sign from my father. I thank my dad so much for sending me M from heaven. And im thanking God for this blessing. Now iam in week 23. I felt the baby’s kick for the first time today. I almost started to cry. It made me believe that I really am gonna become a mother. A mother to a beautiful baby boy who will have my father’s name. 

The last year – from March 2016 has gone by so fast. Dad’s death. Mom’s cancer in throat, treatment everyday – 5 days a week from August 1, 2016 to September 15 2016. The treatment went good. The cancer is gone but they discovered a new cancer in mama’s throat. A cancer that is so unique that it is only 250 documented cases in the world. It makes me scared. I don’t wanna lose my mother. I’ve already lost my dad. In between all this, I had a massive headache that was stuck with me 24H 7Days a week. The doctors were suspecting brain tumour so I got an x ray but thankfully I don’t have that. 

Since I got pregnant, my headache has gone off quiet a lot. And im thankful for that. Now I can walk, talk and interact with people without holding my tears. I still have headaches everyday, but they are not massive. Now pain killers work. Before they didn’t. 

When I told my family that iam pregnant, I thought they would be happy. I thought it would bring us as a family closer to each other after going through everything since summer of 2015. But I was wrong. They are giving me so much problems, so much stress, so much arguments and bullshit that it’s a miracle that I’m still getting up in the mornings. They have taken away 95%of my happiness about being pregnant. I’m so happy that iam pregnant. Don’t get me wrong. But hearing stuff such as I should do an abortion, I will give birth to a stillborn. I’m not appropriate as a mom etc. It takes a lot of energy from me. Plus all the pains I’m having. But iam happy. It’s a miracle that iam pregnant and like my man says “It’s up to God and he gave you this gift to cherish” it is so true. 

When I was 8 years old, I planned all my life! I was gonna get married, than have a baby and it was gonna be a boy. Here iam, 26 turning 27 years old and everything is going by planned. I thank my husband so much for making me a mom. For making me a mom. We talk a lot about how we met and how our lives is. I told him about me when I was eight and he thinks it’s crazy how it’s going by planned. And I agree. 8 years old and planned my life. 

So from being suicidal, to harming myself, to going through a lot of shit in my life, I can honestly say that iam in heaven right now. Flying above the clouds with a smile on my face. I’m gonna become a mom. A mother. One of my absolute biggest dreams is about to come true. And I love it. 

2017 · 2017 | Pregnancy

Baby check list / Preparing for arrival

Today I went through some stuff that me and M has bought for our baby who will be here within 120 days! Can you believe it? Ohmygod. So crazy! I’m right now in week 22 – on sunday I’ll be in week 23 which means, I am five months pregnant. Crazy! Anyway, So I went through and repacked all the baby stuff we have so far so we would have almost every baby stuff in one big bag – bigger than the biggest IKEA bag they sell. And to my surprise, without thinking about it, I’ve pretty a lot of stuff but I know we need to buy more stuff before our son is here.

baby check list - what i have so far.png

 

What I haven’t written on this list is other stuff that we have so far > a stroller for both laying and sitting. Some stuffed animals and two blankets that mom has made for us. Thank you momma! I will take a picture of them later. I love them! We also have one bib, two or if it was three bottles, pacifiers and a teeth cooling down ring.

 

My family has always said to me “DON’T BUY STUFF BEFORE YOUR DUE DATE! YOUR CHILD CAN DIE!” Yes it is true. My child can die but it is up to God and his decisions and so far, my baby is alive 🙂 And I don’t believe in this old saying but I do believe in this “Don’t make a bed for an unborn child”. That I believe strongly in. It’s weird I know. But that is me. I do know that we will look for a crib / bed soon and we will build it up but we will not set the bed with pillows, blankets etc yet. Not until we are back home with the baby. I don’t know but just thinking that it is ok to build the bed but not make it calms me down. It’s weird I know but that’s me. I’m a ghost and I’m crazy! 🙂

 

 

 

 

 

NOTE: like I’ve written on the picture “this list if written by misssantorini.wordpress.com and it do not apply to other mothers. it is a reminding list of what I’ve and what i need to buy before the baby is here.” So Please, do not think that this is a check list on what you need etc.