2017

Welcome! | About me & the blog!

Welcome to my little corner here on the Internet! My name is Emma Santorini and I currently lives in Sweden together with my fiancé Manne. I’m 26 years old ~ turning 27 in August.

My blog is about BEAUTY | PHOTOGRAPHS | LEARNING SPANISH AND ARABIC | HEALTH | DAILY LIFE | LOVE | FAMILY | DIY ~ and soon being a student to become a translator in the languages Spanish and Arabic. My blog is also about positivity and a new start ~ new chapter in my life.


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/ New post of presentation just because the post I had don’t wanna edit -.-

2017 · 2017 | Dad · 2017 | Miss Santorini

It all goes away.


I’ve decided to take a few days off from everything called social media, network, contact with people etc because it has been too much for me lately. Today has been a bad day, not even a family time event helped me out. The loss off my father is today strong but I’ve to remain calm for my baby.  Today I’ve really felt that I want him back home. I know it’s impossible but I can always wish. So I turned on my phone right now and after this post in turning it off again. I thought I could handle my phone but to be honest, I can’t. I need a detox from my phone. I need to be alone. Focusing on my baby when the time is as hardest. 

Time heals. It really do. The loss of my dad is not so heavy as it was before. But some days I feel I don’t wanna get up from the bed in the mornings. The sorrow and missing him is too much. I’m down to only two digits on my pregnancy and remembering that my dad won’t even meet my son hurts me so bad. It makes me so mad, angry and upset. I really wish he could hold my son. I really wish he could be waiting in the waiting room while I give birth so he could meet his grandson but I know he won’t. So this makes my pregnancy even harder. But like I said, time heals. It really does. Today haven’t been a good day but I can talk about him, see pictures of him etc without my tears falls. 

I’ll blog later. I just need a moment for myself to focus on my baby and to focus on myself. Muwah!

2017

Heaven has got a new angel 

1948.03.13 ~ 2017.07.17

Rest in peace Nisse. You’re always here with us even though your soul is now in heaven.
Last night I was scared when E called me and told me that dad has taken the ambulance to the hospital because he couldn’t breathe etc. Everything came back to me. Memories of mom when she had to Go for the same reason. 

We ended the call, we texted but I kept myself a distance because momma K needed E and E needed momma K. 1.30am the phone rang. I was just about to fall asleep. I saw it was E. I answered and the first I heard “Dad is dead”. That speed I had to get up out of bed, smashing my head by accident in the concrete wall, screaming “WHAT!?” on the same time. I’m not gonna go into so much of a details but my extra dad is in heaven. 

I’ve known him for soon 11 years. 11 years of laughing, talking a lot and jokes on each other. I’m still in shock. But I remain strong. I have too. They need me more than ever now. E needs me and momma needs me. 



Ten years ago you were a stranger. Ten years, I have known you. You were like an extra dad to me. Ten years of joking with each other. Talking a lot. Laughing and everything.


You’ve been through so much. You have been struggling and fought with problems in your life but today your heart couldn’t fight anymore. 


Nisse, you were a fighter just like my dad. You went through the same path as my mom did two years ago. I miss you and I promise you will always keep an eye on mama and your kids. 


I promise, with my heart and my soul I will make sure that they are alright. I will never leave their sides. I promise I will drop everything I have in my hands when ever they need me. 


Ten years ago, we were total stranger but God sent me E and from that moment we met I knew you would be like my extra dad. I’ll forever miss you and I hope you don’t suffer anymore.


You will always be the warrior in our lives. A warrior who fought for his life in til the last breath. A warrior with a heart of gold. A warrior with a mind set on things that not a storm could break. Take your shoes off and walk on the clouds. Look down on mama K and the family. You might be in heaven but you are never far from them and I promise You, once again I will be there for them all, to have a shoulder to cry on. To be there if they need to talk.


I will help them as much as I can. I promise you Nisse. Now rest your soul ♡ we will see you later ♡ 


Picture belongs to mama K ❤


It’s so hard to believe that you’re gone but I promise I will make sure that they are good. I’ll watch over them like a hawk. 

2017 · 2017 | Photos

A moment next to the waves


​2017.07.15 ~ need to get a time off from life

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So I asked my man if we could go to the waters. I wanted to swim. I wanted to see and hear the water. I needed a break from life for a moment. A childhood friend of my sister C lost her both babies. Rest in peace angels ♡ and it got me super scared. What if something happens to my baby? So many thoughts went through my head and I couldn’t stop cry. So I asked my man if we could go to the waters. 
A moment next to the waters, clear my head, take deep breathes and just calm down. Exactly what I needed. I took a swim. It was fun. First swim as a pregnant woman. Now the baby is kicking. Lovely feeling. 
I’m more calm. I need my waters sometimes. I don’t know why but I feel like I’m home when I’m next to the waters. The waters is calling me. 
First time on 3 years I swam in a lake. First time for my man to swim in Swedish waters.

2017 · 2017 | Pregnancy · 2017 | Quotes & Thoughts

Thoughts – very personal. 

It’s a jumpy post but I hope you don’t mind.

Being pregnant has been one of my biggest dreams. Being pregnant is a milestone for me. After battling with suicidal thoughts, even tried a few (39) times to end my life. Battling with depressions and bullying all my life. After battling with selfharming and more. I’m here. I’m a little bit over a 100 days til I can officially call myself a mother. Im here. One of my biggest dreams is about to come true. A long time dream, since I was eight years old. All my life I’ve heard that I will never become a mom. I will never have my own kids. 2013 I think was the year, when I found out after years of battling with overweight, i had a diagnose. PCOS. I cried of happiness to finally know what made me this big. And as a young Girl, one question popped up in my head, so I asked the doctors “Will I ever be able to become a mom?” The answers was always no. I’m too fat and this sickness makes it impossible to get pregnant. I fell into depressions again but I was sure that I would prove the doctors wrong! One day! March 2016 my dad died. Eight months after my mom battled between life and death with same stuff my dad passed away from. I tried to keep myself strong. I tried to do everything I could to not let myself fall into depression again. I refused to go back! I’ve been free from harming myself and suicidal since I was 18. I’m turning 27 this summer. I lost 30kg on 3 months after my Dad died and Six months later I met M. I had no idea that within a few months I would be a married woman . But iam. We got married in January 2017. The 12th to be exact. January 22 I got pregnant. Ten days after we got married. I took it as a sign from my father. I thank my dad so much for sending me M from heaven. And im thanking God for this blessing. Now iam in week 23. I felt the baby’s kick for the first time today. I almost started to cry. It made me believe that I really am gonna become a mother. A mother to a beautiful baby boy who will have my father’s name. 

The last year – from March 2016 has gone by so fast. Dad’s death. Mom’s cancer in throat, treatment everyday – 5 days a week from August 1, 2016 to September 15 2016. The treatment went good. The cancer is gone but they discovered a new cancer in mama’s throat. A cancer that is so unique that it is only 250 documented cases in the world. It makes me scared. I don’t wanna lose my mother. I’ve already lost my dad. In between all this, I had a massive headache that was stuck with me 24H 7Days a week. The doctors were suspecting brain tumour so I got an x ray but thankfully I don’t have that. 

Since I got pregnant, my headache has gone off quiet a lot. And im thankful for that. Now I can walk, talk and interact with people without holding my tears. I still have headaches everyday, but they are not massive. Now pain killers work. Before they didn’t. 

When I told my family that iam pregnant, I thought they would be happy. I thought it would bring us as a family closer to each other after going through everything since summer of 2015. But I was wrong. They are giving me so much problems, so much stress, so much arguments and bullshit that it’s a miracle that I’m still getting up in the mornings. They have taken away 95%of my happiness about being pregnant. I’m so happy that iam pregnant. Don’t get me wrong. But hearing stuff such as I should do an abortion, I will give birth to a stillborn. I’m not appropriate as a mom etc. It takes a lot of energy from me. Plus all the pains I’m having. But iam happy. It’s a miracle that iam pregnant and like my man says “It’s up to God and he gave you this gift to cherish” it is so true. 

When I was 8 years old, I planned all my life! I was gonna get married, than have a baby and it was gonna be a boy. Here iam, 26 turning 27 years old and everything is going by planned. I thank my husband so much for making me a mom. For making me a mom. We talk a lot about how we met and how our lives is. I told him about me when I was eight and he thinks it’s crazy how it’s going by planned. And I agree. 8 years old and planned my life. 

So from being suicidal, to harming myself, to going through a lot of shit in my life, I can honestly say that iam in heaven right now. Flying above the clouds with a smile on my face. I’m gonna become a mom. A mother. One of my absolute biggest dreams is about to come true. And I love it. 

2017 · 2017 | Pregnancy

Baby check list / Preparing for arrival

Today I went through some stuff that me and M has bought for our baby who will be here within 120 days! Can you believe it? Ohmygod. So crazy! I’m right now in week 22 – on sunday I’ll be in week 23 which means, I am five months pregnant. Crazy! Anyway, So I went through and repacked all the baby stuff we have so far so we would have almost every baby stuff in one big bag – bigger than the biggest IKEA bag they sell. And to my surprise, without thinking about it, I’ve pretty a lot of stuff but I know we need to buy more stuff before our son is here.

baby check list - what i have so far.png

 

What I haven’t written on this list is other stuff that we have so far > a stroller for both laying and sitting. Some stuffed animals and two blankets that mom has made for us. Thank you momma! I will take a picture of them later. I love them! We also have one bib, two or if it was three bottles, pacifiers and a teeth cooling down ring.

 

My family has always said to me “DON’T BUY STUFF BEFORE YOUR DUE DATE! YOUR CHILD CAN DIE!” Yes it is true. My child can die but it is up to God and his decisions and so far, my baby is alive 🙂 And I don’t believe in this old saying but I do believe in this “Don’t make a bed for an unborn child”. That I believe strongly in. It’s weird I know. But that is me. I do know that we will look for a crib / bed soon and we will build it up but we will not set the bed with pillows, blankets etc yet. Not until we are back home with the baby. I don’t know but just thinking that it is ok to build the bed but not make it calms me down. It’s weird I know but that’s me. I’m a ghost and I’m crazy! 🙂

 

 

 

 

 

NOTE: like I’ve written on the picture “this list if written by misssantorini.wordpress.com and it do not apply to other mothers. it is a reminding list of what I’ve and what i need to buy before the baby is here.” So Please, do not think that this is a check list on what you need etc.

2017

Breastfeeding in public

This will be a post about breastfeeding in  public. This topic seems to be a very high spoken topic all over the internet. This post will contain my opinions and thoughts but I’m more than welcome and open to hear your opinions about it. 

Around the world, women becomes mom’s everyday. They are blessed with the most precious gift in the whole world. I’m one of them. I’m currently pregnant with a baby boy that’s due between October 27 and November 3rd, 2017. On the internet, women gets hate for breastfeeding in public because it gross people out. I don’t understand Why? The mom is feeding their baby who wants food! It’s a natural thing, it’s a beautiful thing! On Facebook, people are free to post what’s on their minds, and everything. I had one post that I shared about a mom who BREASTFED her child. For me, it is something beautiful but people were bashing and negative this woman. I salute women who breastfeeds in public. 

If I go out with my friends and grab a coffee and I have my son with me who’s screaming for food, would I take my titty out and feed him? YES! I would! Because it’s natural! People is saying that mom’s should feed the baby before leaving home. Its disgusting to see it etc. How can it be disgusting!? It’s perfectly fine for girls with see through shirts and tops, show their titties – they will get comments as “Yes! Slay it! Work it!” Etc but when a mom is taking her titty out it’s disgusting. Why? Why is it disgusting? We have titties as well! Sure we have milk in ours that feeds a child when it’s hungry but nooo that’s disgusting ! Why, Why is it disgusting? 

The social media and people’s mind is something i will never understand. I always wonder why people thinks it’s gross to see someone breastfeed. I don’t know how many times I’ve been seeing women breastfeed their kids and gets negativity from people around, saying nasty shit etc. That’s where I come in to the picture. I protect them. I stand up for them. I don’t know how many times I’ve been yelling at people who’s been saying horrible stuff to women who breastfeeds. Sorry to disappoint you honey, but your mom BREASTFED you in public too. Why can’t people just shit their mouths and walk away? Leave the women alone! Let them feed their baby in peace. Let them have that moment to create a bond with their child. Let them be a mom.

When my baby is born, I will breastfeed my child in public and guess what, I won’t give a fuck of what people say. It’s gonna be a precious moment between me and the little tiny human I’ve created. That little bundle of joy me and my man has created.

I salute women, I salute mom’s. I salute their moments together with their child. I’ll always stand up for them. Because it’s natural, its beautiful, it’s wonderful and their smile they have when someone has stood up for them, is priceless. I will not cover myself or my baby when I have this time with my child and neither should anyone else. I will not lock myself in my own house just because I’ve a baby who needs my titty. I applaud stores and cafes who has signs up “You’re allowed to breastfeed here” . Because that’s a right thing to do. Let mommy’s feed their baby’s in peace. If you don’t like it, look away. Don’t take pictures and add on Facebook. Don’t bash someone who got the gift of life. Don’t be nasty to mommy’s who’s taking care of their child. 

Let mommy’s have their time in peace with their child. They are feeding he or her. They are a family.

I don’t understand how people can think it’s ok for girls walking around in their see through shirts and tops and think it’s ok but thinks it’s nasty if you see a mom taking her titty out to feed their child. 

Hell,  I can’t wait to have my child in this world so I can breastfeed him. I will do it with pride. I will do it with a smile on my face. Because God gave me this gift and it’s my responsibility to take care of this gift. 

Just walk away and shut up. 

2017 · 2017 | Pregnancy

Ultrasound


after hearing my whole life that I will never be able to have my own kids. And few years ago I found out that I have PCOS I was told that this sickness will make me forget about being a mom. They told me to forget about my biggest dream – to become a mom. It would never happen. I have so many cysts (?) down there. I was heartbroken. My biggest dream was crushed. I cried for days. 

My dad passed away March 2016. It made me lose weight – 50kg. I was so broken. My dad was now an angel. September 2016 I met my now husband. He came into my life when I needed someone as most. He saved me from depressions of what doctors said to me, having my biggest dream smashed onto the ground. He gave me light. He gave me a reason to live. Everything happened so fast with him. Engagement, marriage in January 2017. 10 days later after our wedding, I got pregnant. I had protection in me (IUD or what it calls) and boom still got pregnant! I was in shock. I was crying rivers. Is this really happening? Am I gonna become a mom? I did many tests! I decided to do tests when my period was 11 days late. We found out at the midwife. I have cell changes so I was called back to the midwife. I asked if they could do a test and it showed positive. 
Instead of going back to the midwife in an other room, I went straight to the waiting room. Crying and pointed at my stomach. My man didn’t understand what I meant. I cried even more when I was infront of him. “I’m pregnant” was the only line I could get out of my mouth. He smiled so much. He hugged me and we cried together. We both got called back to the midwife where she asked me questions about the pregnancy..  now I’m 21 weeks today. In 19 weeks, I’m gonna have my absolute biggest dream coming true. I’m an atheist but I thank God everyday for this blessing and this gift. I thank my husband so much “Thank you for making my biggest dream come true. Thank you for making me a mom”. I’m crying right now while writing this. I’ve so much feelings that I’m holding into myself. Every day I’m thankful for this blessing. Every day I’m thanking my father for sending M (my husband) to me. 
Sorry for a long post.